The Tao of Puppy and the Te of Poo

Clearly, journalling about the dogs, and the puppy as a subset of dogs, takes up much of my space both here and at diaryland.

Thematically, the puppy lends herself to taxonomies of cuteness, the strings of moments that make one go “awwww”, the varieties of baby talk that spontaneously arise in her company (“lickie lickie for Mum” is a staple) and of course, all these things as part of a consensus on overall dog adorableness.

But, in the interests of narrative balance, I should also acknowledge that to be with puppy is to be with poo. The guide below the fold speaks to this.

• The size of the puppy (Evie weighs 2.1 kilograms) bears no relation to the quantity of poo they can produce.
• Having the puppy sleep in another room makes for fewer olfactory interruptions by night. (I wish I’d figured this out when Millie was a pup.)
• Two things make clearing up the poo tolerable: love, and breathing through your mouth.
• You are never too tired, too stiff or too drunk to clean up poo. The same is true of tying up rubbish bags.
• Print media must never be superseded by digital media, for the sake of all the puppies currently being housetrained.
• While accidents do happen, it is possible to pick up a puppy assuming the position and run through the house with her, depositing her on the paper, before the crucial moment, even if, like me, you are not built to run.
• Terrier puppies can be fastidious and will search for the furthest corner of the newspaper when the urge comes upon them. In a pen with gaps between the bars, this can be problematic.
• A good lifting technique with a paper towel reduces the frequency with which one has to wash the carpet. Ignore that new vacuum cleaner ad where the words “faeces” appear superimposed over the carpet pile. Those people will never know the joy of puppy.
• The puppy stopping play to relieve herself is not to be dreaded; when it’s done, this is the maximum point of time before it happens again.
• The worst stains on the carpet are those left by water; be sure to dry that which has been cleaned up.
• Being unfazed by house training your puppy (and believe me, I am; Arthur and Millie were with me as babies, so I know the drill) will win you the tacit and vocalised admiration of your friends and co-workers. Never underestimate the street cred of dealing with that which others fear. (Call it poo-fu?)

Let it be emphasised more generally, however: puppy ownership is not for the hyper-fastidious, the exceptionally house proud, the obsessive compulsive (got germs, no question!) or, probably, the upwardly mobile.